I guess this is a semi philosophical post, but philosophy is my kind of thing. I like to think, and I feel that I both think too much
and too little.
I am so thankful to have a preschooler be able to snap me back into reality when I start to get upset or sad or just to feel out of it, as she doesn’t see things the way adults do. I miss having a positive outlook on the world, I miss seeing it with mystery and awe, and I strongly feel that all adults need to be on a mission to clean the dirty lens through which we see life. Whether that lens has been tainted with pessimism, through a deep sadness that comes from loss,
or through strong feelings of fear that manifest as worry and that paralyze you from taking action and making your dreams a reality.
For me, my ‘lens’ became foggy with all three. I was destroyed by sadness when my father passed away, knowing he would never meet
my husband or children, and never see what I did with my life. I became paralyzed by fear of failure when it dawned on me I could never work a ‘real job’, not because I am unwilling but because of the panic attacks I get when under pressure. I felt like a failure when I realized I could not memorize as much information as I needed to in order to have an academic career, which was my goal in life.
But thankfully, I one day decided to give myself a break.
It is really odd when one day you realize your greatest flaws may be your biggest assets.
For example, had I taken on an academic career and eventually worked in a museum, I would not have wanted kids because I was the type of person who was a bit fanatical about ‘having a career’. I never had the ambition to be a mom.
Some women can balance both, but I couldn’t. And it worked in my favor, as now I am a happily married woman, mom, and writer, and I always, always wanted to be a writer.
My husband is an actor, he was born to act. We assumed when we left Hollywood people ( family) would think he had ‘given up’.
Well they had, but that was the farthest thing from how he felt.
He feels that being an actor has nothing to do with a.) if you are on the big screen or highly paid or b.) constantly acting.
He feels a huge, neglected part of the acting world is character study, watching people closely and learning from them and their behavior.
And boy has he done a ton of that! All over the world.
We both felt the fear of failure taint our perceptions of the world when we struggled to find employment here, which was scary and humiliating. It was actually terrifying. We were not urged to continue looking for work but were instead urged to move to the States, but that was not our goal. We kept looking and in the mean time started blogging and starting our own online businesses.
That was terrifying, having no knowledge of business or marketing at all, and with zero budget.
But he did find employment, and he has a job he loves.
We all need to learn to see the world as though it is new and not a horrible place to be.
We need to challenge ourselves, for the sake of our children, to want to learn about this world as though we don’t know everything there is to know about it, as opposed to assuming we have it all figured out.